two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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