I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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