im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
