I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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