Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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