i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
