I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
