Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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