Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
