The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
