lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
