my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
