If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize