Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize