Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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