sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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