Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
