george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
