I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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