If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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