foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
my liver is dry heaving
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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