I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
