so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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