I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize