she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
