I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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