Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
