I got chris browned last night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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