Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
