I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
