I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
