Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
