I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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