she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
