if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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