I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
