i would punch a child for taco bell
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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