Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
