I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize