My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
