did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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