I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
