I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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