At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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