It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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