The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
