At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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