If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
