i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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