She is in my trunk
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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