just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
