If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
