Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
