I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
