Barsexuality is the new black.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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