I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize