Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just pynch a tree in the face
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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