When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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