if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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