The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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