Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize