My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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