im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
