My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
